I refuse to believe

Soooooooo........any other stay at home moms out there want to go on vacation with me for the next three months?  We will be back around the end of August.  Just as school is starting up again.  Some days I think I am a terrible mother for thinking such thoughts.  I was reading an article not long ago on a woman who was dreading summer vacation for her kiddos and I could so relate to her.  I was reading the follow up comments and one woman wrote that she was a bad mom.  If she didn't want her kids home with her why did she have so many.  This "perfect" mother continued to say that she had only one child so that she could concentrate fully on her kid and that she is a great parent because of it.  That's great if she only wants one kid, more power to her.  But dang her if i'm gonna let myself feel like a terrible mom just because I have 4 and my attention has to be divided between them.  Whether we decide to have none, one or ten, why do we constantly have to judge each other?

 I refuse to feel bad for wanting my kids in school because it gives me a break.  It also gives my kids a break.  They need time away from me and nate and the other kids just as much as I do.  I don't mean that hurtful or rude, it's just the way it is.
I refuse to let myself think I am a bad mom because I don't want to go pass a ball out in the yard 24/7.  Sometimes I need to say no.  For my own sanity.  I make up for it by being on the front row of the bleachers cheering at every game they play.
I refuse to think I am a bad mom because I let my 8 year old have cereal for 2 out of 3 meals today.  Sugar cereal to boot. 
I refuse to believe I am a bad mom because I had to pop my 3 year old's mouth today.  I know, I know. It's not okay but I was at a breaking point.  I couldn't listen to him tell me no, call his brother a dumba**, laugh at me when he ran away for the tenth time, or spit at me one more time.  He will know it's not okay.  He will learn to respect others and treat them kindly. 
I refuse to believe I am a bad mom because my diabetic kid's blood sugar was over 500 one day and in the 40's the next.  Nor do I consider myself a bad mom because I don't get up at 2 a.m to make sure he hasn't dropped low again.
I refuse to believe these things make me a bad mom because I am a good mom.  I may not do 2 a.m. sugar checks nightly but it's because I have faith that he is okay.  That I can trust my motherly instincts to tell me when I need to be there for him. 
I refuse to believe I am a bad mom because I do yell at them sometimes.  I have told myself over and over again not to yell at them.  Then someone spills an entire jug of orange juice and that's the first thing I do.  I yell.  Then I regret it and apologize because I don't want them thinking I am the mom who always yells.  But this is reality.  It happens and i'm sure it will happen again.  Each morning is a new day and I will try to be a little more patient than the one before. 
I refuse to think I am a bad mom because I can't keep up with the perfect pinterest birthday parties or make homemade Valentine's each year.  
I refuse to believe I am a bad mom because I won't let them get away with whatever they want so they are not mad at me.
They will be mad at me and I will be mad at them.  That's how a family works.  But then we get over it.  We move on and we still love each other.  I'm going to make mistakes.  I'm going to make my kids hate me.  I'm going to want to ship them out the door to school.  But the amazing thing is, I still have all these great mom moments.  Moments when we are playing ball in the yard and I get hit in the head because I can't catch.  There are amazing mom moments when I can get them to eat all their vegetables for dinner.  Amazing mom moments when that little smiling mouth that spit on me ten minutes earlier is now kissing me on the cheek.  Moments when they are sleeping and I just know they are perfect.  And they are mine. 
So just because I may think at times that I am ready to pack up and run away for the summer, I know it is only a fleeting moment.  That as soon as that thought crosses my mind it can quickly be erased when I hear an "I love you, mom" and I can say it in return and mean it with my whole heart.  And because of those amazing mom moments, I can refuse to believe I am a bad mom.